By: Eleni Economides
Should you always feel turned on before you have sex?
It’s ok that you think that. It’s what poor sex education and Hollywood have been telling us for years.
We are taught that sexual desire is a drive and that it should just happen naturally in our bodies when our hormones are working properly.
Our turn on kicks in and then we frantically reach out to our partner to fulfill the desire by having sex.
Sort of like waiting to feel hungry and then getting something to eat or thirsty and then grabbing a glass of water.
But that’s like saying “I must be in the mood to go to the gym before I exercise” or “I need to feel the desire to eat fruits and vegetables before I include them in my diet.”
We all know that is rarely going to happen.
If you have fallen into the trap that you should naturally feel turned on and then want to have sex, I bet you feel confused and defeated because you don’t, even though you have checked your hormones and it all looks great. Your libido is still 2 out of 10.
Here is why this is happening:
Your brain is wired to avoid any discomfort, to seek all the comfort and to preserve your energy.
It will literally tell you to not do anything that requires any effort or discomfort.
This is part of your brain’s survival mechanism; it will happen automatically and most of the time unconsciously.
And you cannot stop it from happening. But you can learn to “reason” with it.
You can consciously and intentionally decide to choose long-term benefit and delayed gratification over immediate gratification.
In this case immediate gratification simply means avoidance of discomfort or putting in some effort.
Have you ever had the experience where you did not feel like going to the gym, but you decided to go anyways and then you got into it and felt great afterwards?
How about going to lunch and really wanting the burger and fries, but deciding to eat the salad instead and feeling proud and happy with yourself that you did?
The same is true for sex.
It requires your brain to think.
And your brain will tell you that unless you are in the mood and it will be easy, don’t do it.
But I bet you have had the experience where you were not in the mood and decided to be intimate anyways and then you got in the mood? And you felt great afterward?
Most of us have.
That’s because our responsive desire kicks in.
When we start to engage in sexual intimacy, arousal happens and then the desire shows up.
At least most of the time.
Especially for women.
What you sometimes need before you have sex is not to be turned on but to have the willingness to get turned on!
And here is what will increase your willingness to get turned on and your desire for intimacy:
- Having positive thoughts and feelings about yourself.
- Having positive thoughts and feelings about your partner.
- Having positive thoughts and feelings about sex.
- Being able to experience sexual pleasure.
Each one of these components will positively impact your willingness to get turned on and your desire for sexual intimacy but when all four components are working together, you can experience profound closeness, happiness, and pleasure in your intimate relationship.
Common negative thoughts about yourself that could be getting in the way of your willingness to get turned on:
- I don’t like my body.
- I am not attractive.
- I don’t know what I am doing.
- I don’t deserve pleasure.
- I don’t want to be selfish and ask for what I want.
Common negative thoughts about your partner that could be getting in the way of your desire for intimacy with them:
- He only wants sex, not me.
- All he cares about is to get off, not to connect with me.
- My pleasure is not important to him.
- He is manipulative. He will only do things for me if I give him sex.
Common negative thoughts about sex that could be getting in the way of your desire for it and your willingness to get turned on:
- Sex is a chore/obligation.
- Sex is just for men.
- I only do it for my partner.
- If I never had it again, I wouldn’t care.
- I just want it to be over.
- Sex is dirty/gross.
- Sex is sinful/immoral.
- Sex is only meaningful if it is about love.
You get it, right?
If you find yourself in these descriptions, chances are you have struggled with low desire for sex and you have felt emotionally disconnected from your partner.
I know I have!
And on my road to healing and getting past low libido and the impact it was having on my relationship with myself and my partner, I became a licensed couple’s therapist, a certified sex therapist and a relationship and intimacy coach for women.
It took me a while to get there myself but now I have all the knowledge and the tools to help you get there much faster!
If you want to learn more about how I help you do that, please schedule a free inquiry call here so we can talk about it.